The Missing Matriarchy

We don't need a village, we need a matriarchy

Last time I was here, I wrote about the village and how the idea of contributing to community can be overwhelming for those who are still in a frozen state. Since then, we faced the onslaught of the next ‘drop’ of the Epstein files, with millions still not released, and I know that I’ve been one of many to be silenced by utter shellshock at what I was reading. Shock, fury, grief and numbness, in cycles.

It’s led me to think deeper about some of the topics my mind often lands on - the safety of children, the silencing of women, the power of men. Some of the details of the files confirm in many ways what we’ve always known. That there are people who control many aspects of our lives, and we have allowed that to happen. That many of these people know each other. That the way these people treat other humans is abhorrent. And that this has been allowed to happen under plain sight of other people. There was some relief in facing this. The falling away of decades of gaslighting about violence against women and girls. A certainty, at least, that the monsters under the bed are, in fact, there.

There have been lots of calls for things to change, and I might be naive but I do believe they will. I don’t think it’ll be rapid though. It’ll be slow and frustrating and it probably has to get a lot worse before it gets better.

And maybe it’s just my algorithm, but alongside anger I also see themes where people are talking about creating a new culture. What that might look like, in terms of community care. What we might need to do to get there- small acts like unsubscribing from Big Tech (I know it’s obvious but I’m still coming to terms with that one). Big acts like… creating something new?

What is beautiful to me is that one of the themes I’m seeing is the need for a matriarchy. That we can no longer exist in this kind of male-dominated culture that negatively impacts everyone in it, including the men who it purports to serve. Even those at the very top - because healthy people do not harm in the way that we have been hearing about this week. This way of operating - and everything that it encompasses like capitalism, white supremacy, heteronormativity, queerphobia, abelism etc - it just doesn’t work. We know this. And it’s time for something different.

I’m not sure who to credit this image with, I discovered it on this blog by Nergiz de Baere and I believe she created it. As it shows, matriarchy is not simply the opposite of patriarchy, it is a different entity entirely. One based on relationship not domination. While Nergiz describes it as mother-centred, I also believe it to be deeply child-centred.

There is something profoundly beautiful to me about these conversations happening now, about the need for matriarchy. At a time we are hearing about these crimes against children, that what would rise out of that is a model that centres their safety and humanity.

And I’ve been thinking about how I can start living this in my own home, while still living deep within these systems. One of the simplest ways that I can see is by countering childism in our daily lives.

Childism is a concept I first read about when I was a new mother with my first child (some years ago now!) in discovering the work of Elisabeth Young-Bruehl. I discovered it because I couldn’t understand how I could live in a culture that was so unfriendly to this absolutely precious human that I now had in my life. I was living in London at the time and clearly remember the stark contrast between carrying my baby on the Tube, feeling that this tiny bundle was either being ignored or seen as a nuisance, and a holiday we went on to Italy (a far more child- and family-centric culture although a strongly patriarchal one too). There, my baby was greeted wherever we went - treated as a fellow human. I was struck then - and continue to be struck - by how children remain so oppressed by our way of doing things in the UK. The expectations we place on them to conform to adult expectations and these systems around them. The shame piled on them when they don’t conform. Individually, and socially through stories in the news and depictions on TV.

When we begin to question this, and build a world that is more child-centred (not child-led, I hasten to add, but one that serves the needs of children as a priority), then some of these other things may fall into place. Because when we are prioritising joy, play, ritual, connection, safety - it is almost impossible to prioritise greed, domination and exploitation.

I’m aware this is easier said than done. I now exist in a space that is outside of many of the institutions that were once so central to my life - the public sector in my work, the education system for myself and my children.

But stepping out of some of those systems started with asking the question of whether this was working for the children. And maybe that’s a question we can all ask, in bigger and smaller ways.

Thanks for reading. These posts are free to all. If you like what you are reading here, you might like my book Parenting for Humans.